Category: Restoring Your Heart

When Christmas Isn’t Perfect

Posted on by Jordan Stafford

 

 

Christmas—the song tells us—is “the most wonderful time of the year.” But, let’s face it, for many of us it’s not.    

It’s not always a perfectly joyous time.  It doesn’t always feel wonderful.  Instead, for some, it can be a time of great stress and emotional pain. That stress can come from the busyness of the season, finances, unrealistic expectations, spending time with family and friends (who may be the source of our pain), or the death of a loved one, just to name a few.

This time of year, I sincerely desire to slow down — in an effort to prepare Him room — but I find it more and more difficult to do that. How do I make room for Jesus, especially when my heart is a mess, when I have emotional pain that I have not faced?

For me, because I tend to overcommit myself, one of my stressors is busyness.  I must intentionally look at my motivation for what I choose to do. I have to realize that saying yes to something also means I’m saying no to something else.

But if I’m honest, my biggest struggle during this time of year is unrealistic expectations… maybe you can identify with me.

I think each of us needs to know who we are and how God wired us so we can understand why we act and react the way we do. Restoring Your Heart has helped me to do that. Ultimately, as followers of Christ, we want to think, feel, and act like Jesus. But our trauma, our unprocessed pain, can prevent that. Instead, we can get stuck in a spiral of believing lies, acting and reacting in self-protecting ways, but ultimately not getting our needs met.

One of the greatest benefits for me in going through RYH has simply been getting to know myself and learning to be okay with myself.  I grew up thinking I had to be perfect.  I learned how to pretend to be okay, even if I wasn’t.

As I have come to accept the reality that I am less than perfect, I have come to understand that I have needs (for value, acceptance, security, connection) and that it is okay to have needs. Denying that I have needs doesn’t negate them, it only sabotages any efforts to get those needs met…    

I have also come to realize that not everyone in my life is safe and able to meet my needs at that particular time. For instance, I have a great need for connection, but if I know I’m going to be spending time with someone who is not able to meet that need for me–either they can’t or they won’t—then I need to accept this and find another healthy way to get my need met.  When I do that, I can release that person, my need is met, and I no longer place the unrealistic expectation upon them.  

I think that’s one of the greatest insights that I’ve learned through RYH. There’s freedom when I can release another person from meeting my need, but it’s also giving them grace by accepting the fact that right now, in this moment, they are not able to. I’m learning more and more to lean on the Lord to be my source.     

That’s self-care…. knowing myself, my needs, and how to get those needs met in healthy ways.

My friend recently told me that she has a daily alarm set on her phone, a reminder that asks, “What are you doing right now to take care of yourself?”

I love that and am implementing that practice in my own life. What would that look like for you? Maybe it means taking a moment to listen to a song or read scripture. Maybe it means reaching out to a safe friend for an encouraging conversation. Perhaps it’s going to the Lord in prayer or practicing gratitude. Maybe it’s going outside and being in nature or doing something physical.  There are many ways to take care of yourself—but it takes awareness and intentionality.

So how can we find peace and joy in the midst of stressful times? I believe we can do that by knowing ourselves, how to get our needs met, and practicing self-care along the way. It also takes a lot of dependence upon the Lord and a whole lot of grace (both accepting the grace given to us and extending grace to others).

 It is my hope and prayer that during this “most wonderful” time of year, we can all find that and slow down enough to embrace the true meaning of celebrating Christmas.  

 

 

About The Author

Kelly Renie is a Restoring Your Heart Group Facilitator and Ambassador. She and her husband Michael have served in global ministry for the past 17 years, and have a son and two daughters who have traveled the world with them. Kelly and her family love opening their home to fellow ministry workers and hearing their stories and experiences. Kelly has been richly blessed by God’s gift of knowing and sharing life with people from many nations and cultures.

 

A Fierce Reckoning – RYH Moment, October 2021

Posted on by Jordan Stafford

Written by Joseph Hobbs. Published by Jordan Stafford.

 

I was raised in a rural farming community in south Georgia called Pleasant Hill.  It was about 10 miles from the smallest town and 25 to 30 miles to the bigger town.

I spent my childhood on a farm where we were the only family with children—in a place where segregation was alive, and in your face. There were many Churches in the community and neighbors who claimed to be Christian, but it didn’t always seem like they knew God personally or lived by His standard to love your neighbors as yourself.

As a young adult, while I was struggling to forgive my neighbors, I moved to Minot, ND. I began to see, learn and experience love, value, acceptance, connection, and security with my new neighbors. I began to meet with people, have conversations and read the Bible. These were all new experiences for me and showed me something different.  Sometime later I began to look at how Jesus related to his disciples.I was the fifth child of 11 children. I had parents who did not know how to interact with children, so they left me alone with no answers to my questions. I wondered why our neighbors treated us if as we were aliens and why we were labeled as slow, unintelligent, lazy and not human.  I was ashamed of not knowing who I really was and by my father not knowing how to interact with me as a child, to explain what was going on. As children we learned how to stay in our place and not bring trouble to the family or community.

My journey with Restoring Your Heart began back in Georgia in the mid 80’s when I joined a small church called Grace Free Church. This is where I met Jack Larson who was the Pastor.  I was going through a hard time at work where my co-workers did not want to work with me because I was the only African-American in the department.  They devalued me as a person and tried to find ways to assassinate my character and name to make me leave. Going through this situation brought back many memories of what I went through as a child.

In the RYH interactive group and through RYH workbooks, I started learning how to deal with my wrong thinking, losses and hurts.  I was hurt and I wept. I needed to have a fierce reckoning with what had happened to my community and me, how I felt about it and how it was still affecting my life. I learned that I had to grieve my losses before I could fully forgive those who hurt me as a child.  Those who had stolen my life and the life of my community.

In 2002 when I lost my oldest son in a car accident, it pushed me deep into grief and the pain was very great.  Restoring Your Heart stepped in again to help me to deal with my grief, to heal, and walk through the pain.  I also attended a Compassionate Friends group (group that helps parents and siblings to deal with the loss of a child or sibling.)  While in the group I saw how some people really deal with their pain and others do not. This was another great breakthrough where God and the Holy Spirit worked in my life with healing!  I now understand why grief is the hardest experience to recover from.God took me on a journey to show me how to love my neighbor like He (Jesus) had loved me. I began to see how I had been impacted greatly over the years from those negative messages and was still being impacted during my situation at work. I learned who I was as a person and how to get my needs met in healthy ways. Some years passed and I realized that I could not really mourn my childhood losses or issues without figuring out how to feel the deep pain from my neighbors.  I was taught that forgiveness is at the heart of Christianity. I used to think I understood forgiveness and believing in Jesus made forgiveness easy. Restoring Your Heart helped me to heal, love myself, forgive others, and truly love my neighbor.

As I was healing, God began to show me many people who were hurting, in pain and needed help. He has given me a passion for helping hurting people and Restoring Your Heart is the vehicle which I use to do this. RYH is a process that helps people become aware of how the hurts from the past have affected their present. We learn how to process our pain, grieve over the hurts, to heal, and to come to a place of full forgiveness.

It is still helping me to work through the process every time I facilitate a group.  I continue to heal from past pain and experience greater freedom.  So, I want YOU to join me in this ministry and learn how to help people through their healing process! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

About The Author

Joseph Hobbs is part of the Worldwide Discipleship Association staff team and is a member of the Restoring Your Heart team. He facilitates RYH groups and helps write RYH materials.

 

 

Breathe and Rest

Posted on by Jordan Stafford

 

“It is for freedom that Christ has made you free.” (Galatians 5:1)

This scripture runs through my head at least once per day. Paul wrote it in his letter to the Galatians. The church was dealing with the pressure to add to the grace given by Christ. He accused them of turning to a different gospel, “which is really no gospel at all.” (1:7) The people were like many of us being thrown into confusion by the opinions of this world, the rituals, and the traditions that tell us how we should think, feel and act in order to be acceptable or even “normal.” 

When I think about the things our world is broadcasting these days, it’s not all bad. I’ve enjoyed learning the science behind calories, simple carbs and complex carbs. I love getting into a deep conversation about classical education vs traditional. Even a light political discussion can be invigorating, as I pretend to know the ins and outs of the constitution; but, when I am not careful, these things begin to suffocate me. Condemnation creeps up and condemns me for not measuring up to the standard, and pride creeps up as I judge others for not reaching my standard. Then, I begin to see gluten-free eating as the standard for all and classical education as God’s best. Even political leanings can begin to look like a leg of the Gospel.  

 

These thoughts and feelings hold me captive; I become a slave to them. I rise, and in order to satisfy my conscience, I strive to eat that gluten-free muffin. When it comes to politics, I begin to ignore an obvious wrong in efforts to stay aligned with the “right” political party. I continue classically educating my kids even though I may find myself overwhelmed with the process, while there is a great traditional school right down the road. And just like the Galatians, I enter again into a system of works, trying to earn my righteousness, being a slave to the law. While reminding the Galatians that their salvation came through faith in Christ alone, Paul also admonished them not to add again the works of the law (namely circumcision) in efforts to maintain their salvation.

There was a time in my life that it was all about maximum effort in hopes of maximum results. If you are like me, it’s exhausting maintaining a standard imposed on me by popular culture. Paul reminds us of the freedom we have in the finished work of Christ. Breathe easy, my sisters and brothers, “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Doesn’t that feel good to read this scripture releasing us from our works and inviting us to rest in Christ? I can just hear Christ’s invitation to “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am meek and lowly at heart and you will find rest unto your souls.” (Matthew 11:29)

 

Martina is a wife and mother of four wonderful children. She began as a participant of RYH groups and is now an RYH Ambassador. The Griffins live in Orlando, FL.

 

RYH and Communities

Posted on by Nancy Higgins

 

Restoring Your Heart was designed to help people grow towards spiritual maturity by experiencing emotional healing. The process was aimed specifically at individuals.

However, as more people participated in RYH groups, their families began to change. People learned that their past, though over, was still having an impact on their present life.  They also learned what makes a healthy family and then applied those principles to their children. When husbands and wives both participated in RYH groups, the benefit was even greater. Marriages improved as people better understood themselves and could talk about their hurts with their spouses. Communication improved. Both spouses learned about healthy families and became better parents. 

The natural outcome of healthier families is healthier communities. We have been so encouraged to see this happen over and over again. It makes participating in a RYH group all the more valuable. Not only are you receiving your own personal healing, the benefit spreads to your family and friends.

We believe the implication for communities is huge.

We’d like to share a testimony from a person who participated in a RYH group simultaneously with her spouse. 

“A friend of mine took Restoring Your Heart and described to me how powerful and life defining it was for her.  I became intrigued as she talked about how it led her to take a personal & spiritual inventory of her life.  I will boldly confess before you today that as engrossed as I was in her story – literally hanging on her every word – the woman lost me when she told me the length of the group, and I felt myself shut down when I learned the cost. 17 weeks and $30 was a bit more of a commitment than I was accustomed to surrendering for a Wednesday night group.   

She laughed at my shock and awe.  And told me that if I put in the work and attended the group, she guaranteed I would get at least $30 worth of restoration.

I talked to my husband about it and we thought it would be neat to do the group together.  We could discuss our answers and get to know each other a little better.  There’s always more we can learn after 16 years of marriage, right?  

There are two types of Restoring Your Heart groups. One focuses on the losses in our lives and the other on understanding emotions.  I signed up for Understanding Emotions and my husband signed up for Processing Pain.  It turned out to be the best thing for us individually and as a couple.  We were still able to share our answers, but not cover the exact same content.

We started talking about Restoring Your Heart so much that the title got to be too long so we just referred to it as RYH.  If something happened in our family, we’d be quick to say, “Oh! This is a RYH moment!” 

In RYH, I learned how to handle and process emotions that I had long suppressed.  I had cracks in my spiritual pottery that I didn’t know about!  Or the cracks I did know about, I didn’t worry about repairing.  I studied emotions from a Biblical perspective and took a look back at circumstances in my past that were driving how I respond to life today.   I learned that how I respond to situations in my life flows through the very spiritual cracks lined with decades of past, unresolved emotions.   So how you respond to stress, strife or struggles in your life is directly related to your past unresolved hurts.  There’s no way around it. 

I had THE best small group in the world.  Together we chose to let the light of Jesus shine through our spiritual cracks and made ourselves available for Him to refill them with the Holy Spirit.  We’ll never forget our journey together. “

So now that I’ve completed one group, I’d like to write a public service announcement for RYH.  If RYH was a Visa commercial, the announcer would say…

RYH Group  $30

Time Investment  17 weeks

The Spiritual Transformation & Freedom   PRICELESS

We start with one person and God, then the benefits of healing fan out to everyone around them.  When will you start to heal your community by healing yourself?

 

Grief at a Wedding

Posted on by Buddy Eades

Grief at a Wedding by Sarah Johnson

Just a couple of Saturdays ago, I was a bridesmaid in a dear friend’s wedding. Of course, we had the wedding rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner the night before so the whole weekend was wedding centric. In all the prep and celebration, my mind lingered on the many tender father daughter moments I witnessed: the bride’s father tearing up while practicing giving her away, his gently teasing speech at the rehearsal dinner, him walking her down the aisle during the ceremony, the two of them dancing at the reception. My mind focused on these moments in particular because they filled my heart with both joy and pain and a longing for something I will never experience.

My friend’s wedding made me remember my sister’s wedding almost two decades earlier, when my own daddy’s eyes filled with unspoken emotions from giving his daughter away. It’s an expected rite of passage for many fathers and daughters. After my sister’s wedding, I would often imagine my daddy’s reaction to my wedding day and what he would have to say about his baby girl getting married. I had the song for our father daughter dance picked out by the time I was twelve years old. But, these things will never come to pass. 

The cancer took my daddy fifteen days before my twentieth birthday. I didn’t even know who I was at that age and my daddy would never get to know the woman I would become. During the months that followed his death, the weight of all the moments that we would never share crushed me. No proud daddy at my college graduation. No concerned father to check in with during my solo trip overseas. No sage advice as I purchased my first car. No wedding dance. Any children I have will enter the world down one grandfather. I have long since healed from feeling crushed by my daddy’s absence but I still grieve these lost moments whenever I’m reminded of all the nevers. 

 

“The guilt and shame slid away when I realized that my pain didn’t fail Jesus. Grief becomes a blessing, as sadness and joy intertwine to remind me how passionately I am loved.”

In the years I spent processing and healing from the loss of my daddy, I encountered some churches and ministries that reacted to my grief as though my feelings were sinful. They told me that my grief failed to show the Savior’s redemptive work in my life. My sadness made Jesus-the-giver-of-unconditional-joy appear to be a liar. I should just choose to be happy. All this well-meaning advice only served to heap guilt and shame on top of my grief.
My need for healing brought me to a Restoring Your Heart group, which helped to undo the good intentioned but terrible advice about grief I had received. Through RYH, I learned that my feelings of grief weren’t sinful because God created all emotions, including the so-called negative ones, for our good and His glory. The guilt and shame slid away when I realized that my pain didn’t fail Jesus. Grief becomes a blessing, as sadness and joy intertwine to remind me how passionately I am loved. 
As I recently celebrated my friend’s wedding with all the father-daughter moments, I didn’t just mourn the loss of what I’ll never have; I also rejoiced that I am a precious daughter of the King of the universe. I may never have a father-daughter wedding dance or someone to walk me down the aisle but I do have a Heavenly Father who knows me intimately and loves me deeply. While father-daughter moments remind me of what I’ll never experience in this lifetime, they also reflect how my God loves me, which is a comfort that reaches to the foundation of my identity.